Sooooo, I may have caved a couple of days early. OK, I DID cave a couple of days early.
My disappointment with this Whole 30 in comparison to the last has been a feature throughout. I’ve narrowed it down to not feeling that burst of energy and not losing any weight. In fact, after a little exploration, I think that weight loss was far more of a desired outcome than I let myself (and everyone else) believe. I feel a mixture of sadness that I haven’t lost anything and sadness at admitting my main motivation was weight loss.
If I reflect on how I started this Whole 30, it was right after a week’s holiday, which was at the end of our first month in a new house. A stressful time maybe, and with guests staying (3 of which were kids) I’d given myself permission to eat whatever and whenever I wanted because everyone else was – hunger was rarely part of this decision making. This was when absolutely everything crept back in to my diet, after much of it had been gone for a good 8 months. I had got caught in that cycle again of thinking ‘this is fine, because I’ll be really ‘good’ again in a few weeks and it’ll all come off’. That good/bad see-saw is so unhealthy.
I follow the Whole 30 on Facebook and regularly read their blogs, and the blogs of other people experiencing it, sometimes for their first time, sometimes for their tenth. The thing that fascinates me the most (and possibly the thing I hope for the most) is hearing people say it has changed their lives, and that within 30 days (sometimes less), people can say that they no longer crave whatever it is that they felt addicted to. My head can’t fathom this. How can a change in eating habits change psychological conditioning that’s decades old? Surely there is more to it than that…
My mum has been on a diet for as long as I can remember, and while I’ve managed to break away from traditional ‘dieting’, I haven’t yet found the magic formula that helps me to always think ‘health’ and not ‘weight’. At least, not today. There are some days when I think I’ve cracked, but if I’m honest, they’re usually thin days. Having been raised in an environment where weight was made an issue from an early age, it’s no wonder my brain is programmed that way. I can’t however blame my mum for that. I am a grown woman who makes her own choices, and some days I choose desire over health.
One of the things which distresses me most is not being able to wear all of the clothes in my wardrobe. In fact, it’s not being able to wear the majority of my wardrobe. I am starting to think that the extreme measure of throwing 2/3 of my clothes away may be the answer. Perhaps if they weren’t there weight would be less of an issue? Perhaps I’d just feel good in the clothes that fit me? I’m not yet ready to take that plunge, but it’s certainly a seed planted in my brain.
I have no intention of turning away from paleo. I really enjoy cooking paleo, and I buy in to all of the health reasons for that way of eating – albeit with a few of my favourite non-paleo things thrown in occasionally. I want to eat more sustainable, quality, real, pure, clean food. A blip doesn’t mean it’s over, it just means that today wasn’t my day to conquer those particular demons. Next time I try to tackle those, it won’t be with food, it’ll be from digging deep and uncovering what it is that presses those buttons. Someone recently told me I may have control issues, which kinda makes sense. Perhaps that’s the next best place to start…
Oh, and what did I cave for?? Well, wine of course! My biggest vice of them all. And I have to say, I felt pretty happy with my glass of wine looking out over my view on a lovely summer evening 🙂